Funny Newspaper Interview

Time for a moment of levity during this horrible election we have facing us.

Kirby: OK, now for the REAL debate!
I apologize for not getting this presidential debate out sooner. I hosted it last week in my garage. However, I promised that it would not be released until the other debates were done.
All four candidates participated in my debate: Barack Obama and John McCain, along with their running mates Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.
In the interest of credibility, I kept the media out. Other than the candidates and me, the only other person present was Larry Erdmann, my sound man and electrician.
Unlike the national “dog and pony show” debates, I asked the candidates real questions, things regular Americans want to know about foreign policy, the economy, military force and the environment. I edited nothing.
Following a brief welcome and some cookies my wife made, we got started.
Me: Religion has played a large role in this race. Have any of you have ever taken lessons from Mormon missionaries?
Sen. McCain: “Nope.”
Gov. Palin: “There are Mormons in Russia, which is really, really close to Alaska.”
Sen. Obama: “I am still not a Muslim.”
Sen. Biden: “Over my dead body.”
Larry: “Boy, are you in for a surprise.”
Me: “OK, on the subject of military force, when was the last time either of you punched someone in the head?”
Sen. Biden: “Well, Bob, that would be an assault, which is technically a crime, and therefore punishable by law. But, as you know, I am Irish, and if it were necessÐ.”
Gov. Palin: “Couple seconds ago.”
Me: “Next is foreign policy. If America had to bomb another country right now which would you choose?”
Sen. Obama: “I am not going to answer that question. It’s ridiculous. We don’t HAVE to bomb anyone.”
Sen. McCain: “Hanoi.”
Me: “Aren’t we trying to improve relations with Vietnam?”
Sen. McCain: “Bakersfield.”
Me: “The economy is in terrible shape. How do you propose to fix it?”
Sen. Biden: “Under the Democrat plan, every American would get a MasterCard with a $100,000 limit that they wouldn’t have to pay off.”
Gov. Palin: “I would work very hard to revitalize the salmon fisheries across the entire Midwest.”
Me: “We have to wrap this up. Abortion: yes or no?”
Gov. Palin: “Absolutely not, Robert. Not even for men.”
Sen. Biden: “While I wouldn’t personally have one, I think it’s a personal decision.”
Larry: “Are there more cookies?”
With Election Day just two weeks away, I hope this debate helps you choose the right candidate. Just remember to vote. It couldn’t possibly hurt.
rkirby@sltrib.com